I got a feeling that some people thinks I'm a toy to be used when I'm needed. To cover up and etc.

Do I give out this aura? That I'm some kind of disposable toy that's available whenever you need me?

Please. I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want to make anyone cry. But if you push me too far, I will break everything inside you and maybe even out.

And by then, I won't feel sorry.

I've realised why I have so many mind blanks, anger.. and boredom, and feelings as a loser..

I've lived in fear. So much fear, so used to it, I can't even tell it's there, until I dig deep enough.

I'm afraid of everything. Of losing security.. The more I seek security, the more I lose it. So perverse..

I have to build my courage .. And embrace fear as my guidance.

The more I'm honest with myself, especially with parts of me that I hate to see, the more that small part of me inside start to smile and love me.


I guess self-love starts with the truth. Even if you haven't do anything to change your situation, the truth has powers that can open hearts.

1. If I were given the choice of power over truth ( and get shunned because of it), I will always choose truth, cause I don't want to imprison my spirit. And even if I initially choose power to save whomever I love, I won't deny the truth.
   

WARNING: Extremely long post. Do have a cup of tea nearby. :) Or visit other links if you are tired~

All I wanted to do was save lives in the only way I do best, singing. I have come to terms that I know I made the wrong choice. I did not want to be in Digital Media. I wanted to be in an acting course, a singing course, piano, anything music that I like as long as it's not here.

I don't like it here. And I don't plan to delude myself either. Sometimes, when you are forced to face the fact that you did something wrong, you choose to force yourself to believe that you love it. I know I don't. I know I am meant to be someone better, someone who can choose her life not based on what other's say, and not what she fears.

I regret crying over this course. I thought it would be fun, to escape from all the theory work. I've realised my heart ain't here. My heart is not in CG. I do love the filming part, but I don't ever wish to be backstage. I wish to be in the limelight, where I belong.

I love getting attention, challenging myself to face different parts of me acting and singing. I'd rather fail in singing and acting, then imagine the 'what-if's. Today, acting for Puay Ling's project woke me up on how much I love acting and singing. And where my heart really belong.

I shall declare now. I am going to learn how to act, how to sing. Make it big, and using my knowledge in 3D, I can be the next Gorillaz. I need to make time for my passion, and never be bogged down by assignments that isn't for my heart. You can say I can just dream on, or there's no place for someone as low key as me, but I tell you, you'll see me someday, big. As big as lady gaga or even Michael Jackson.

All these while I've hold on to the belief that I'm not good enough. And that's what life reflected to me, that I ain't good enough. If I just change how I feel about myself, life would reflect how I feel, in my outer world. I know that people have influenced me greatly, made me believed that I'm a failure. I've even believed that everything bad was not my fault.

Yes, we all have played the blaming game. I don't want to play that anymore. I want to be the designer of my fate.

Sometimes, I do wonder, why I wanted to be in a relationship so much. I know now, that all I ever wanted was to feel better about myself. To know that being just me is good enough, is the best cause no one can ever copy me. No one can ever be Siti Aisyah, and that's my truth. I just looked for that validation in the wrong way. I chose to look for it outside of myself, and worse still, in a guy that might not know me well.

When I look back at my past, I do cry. Even though it has no power over me, I do feel bricks of regret on how I wasted my time. On how I put myself down so many times. On how I hurt myself, and hurt everyone around me. I chose to waste my life.

It would be really sad had I chose to continued to end my life, a few years back. Of course, in the outside, I am happy. I am cheery, make jokes, being the childish me. But who would know that someone like me had attempted to end everything.

I don't see feeling suicidal as embarassing. It is a cry for help, a cry of someone who is deep in a negative delusion, who is drowning and need someone to just pull her out of the depression swimming pool, and teach her how to swim, and finally get out of the pool. I've chose to accept who I am.

It's okay to be wrong. Okay, to be imperfect. Okay, to be who you are. Social view of perfection is just an inspiration. But accepted imperfection is perfection at best.

I know there are others out there who put on a mask. It might be even you reading this. Let me tell you one thing, please please please.

Just take off the mask. Throw it away because the mask is your enemy. Enemy in disguise.

There's no point hiding. Take off the mask and be proud of your own face, of your own life. Everyone is vulnerable, but the mistake of hiding it can cost you everything.

Listen to me, take off that mask, and take my hand.

Life is waiting for us, and let's go to the garden instead of being stuck in the pool.

On a random note, I love you Ethel. I love you Cheeryl and everyone else who ever came into my life. Cause there's is too many .. :P

I've wasted time. I've come to terms that you will never accept me. That you are not to be counted upon, it's okay.

At least I know now, rather than when I'm in need.

Cause you've never felt the pain I've felt. Good for you, and bad for you.

I hope you don't have to go through my pain to open your eyes.

I am in one of my super rare high mood right now! Just played NeedForSpeed-CARBON that I stole from the lab, and I got high. It's my passion for racing, I really love the speed.

It was recently that when my friend and I took a cab, the cab sped man, but I was enjoying it and going daze with the rush of lights passing me by. Of course, my friend got naturally scared. Nothing happened, just me getting excited that the cab sped most of the time.

If only drift racers are cab drivers, I will take cab everyday.

I am missing my handsome friend again. Hey, I keep dreaming.

Nothing much happened today, cause I just watched Harry Potter yesterday. It was actually great! Those seemingly boring parts actually kept my attention, the characters played are getting better. The quiet times while they talk to each other (Hermione, Harry, Ron) made me feel cosy in the cinema. Of course, if you've never read Harry Potter & Half-blood prince, some parts will be confusing. It's pretty fast paced, but I love the effects. The Ginny and Harry kissing part was actually bearable to watch, considering my love for Harry and Hermione. Malfoy got more screen time, and I LOVE IT.

Helena as Bellatrix is mega awesome. Her evil eyes just captivates me, as though she has been that way all her life. Super bad ass villain. If I were to be bad, I want to be like Bellatrix but with more powers, thank you. Hysterical woman~

Malfoy showed his sentimental, softer side while still maintaning his act-tough look. Super adorable. Is it just me? Or is Daniel Rad getting less cute every time? Harry harry, Malfoy's catching up on the swoon and looks department! Watch your back, i mean your face! If you love seeing cute guys crying, watch it. Malfoy's is marshmellows!

I recommend you to watch it after knowing some major parts of the story. And there were a lot to be cut, but I am pretty satisfied! Funny parts in it is super cute. I love the actress who goes gaga over Ron, made my day with her obsession for him.

BOO to all who said this movie is 2/5. It's 4/5!

I'm still pretty intimidated with my classmates. Yeah, ego trip is going down . And there are others who think they did a lot, but didn't. Well well, what can I say? People and their delusions.

The question that keeps popping up my mind is ..

"How do you make fair-weather friends, care genuinely for you?" Is it really impossible?

What is the quickest way to pick the true friends out of all the facades? Who loves you for you and has no hidden agendas? Is there even such a thing as no agendas?

I mean, everyone loves themselves. Hard to sacrifice that part of you, for someone else.

Life, life, you make me play so many games. Can't I just have the cheat code for just a while? You know I love you~ Is there a way that instead of playing those games, you give me a car, and leave my spirit to drive to it's higher consciousness?

You lost me? Confused, its okay, I talk to myself some times. Its therapeutic.

;P

Fucking weird but super cute video!

I guess we are all stuck. Stuck in our own set of eyes.

Yeah, now I know why there's so much hate and love.

Its a bit hard to see yourself in an objective way.

I feel like vomitting and swallowing at the same time.

I feel like staying awake and just sleep until everythings gone.


I feel like being reckless and just hide in one corner,

I am the example of a walking contradiction, battling a struggle that was born out of 'experience'.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Someone whispers into my ear while I was napping. I don't think anyone really whispered anything... But that voice said..


"Think of him as an example, a life' mission. Not as someone who you've lost. You've never lost anyone. They are all parts of you. In your heart, they are your pieces that are unbreakable. Yours forever, and the generations after you."

And I woke up, with my heart surging with energy. Unscratched, unscathed.

I guess now I see death as something that signifies that that part of me has given me lessons, and has serve his/her purpose. And time for me to prove myself.

Of course, when the moon rise up, bittersweet feelings comes up. But I go deeper inside my mind, my heart, and I know, everything and everyone I love is within me.

Within.

I remember this so well.. His ah beng hair, dyed only at the tips. LAWL.


Muacks beloved Ed.

At the start and from 2:10 onwards.

I want to scream, SCREAM SCREAMM!!!

SCREAM, for this fucking world is so fucking unfair! SCREAMMM TILL EVERYONE STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER UP!

SCREAAM TILL THE PAIN AND WAR STOP! SCREEAMM UNTIL ALL THE EVIL FLEE IN FEAR!

SCREEAAM UNTIL YOU ARE BACK!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy so happy that I made you laughed so hard with my random jokes Edwin!

I remember the day we were suppose to act about the random japanese things, for the TC Gets Confused. I remember how I anyohow say stupid things in front of everyone and single handedly made you guffawed and smack the floor a few times because you were cracking up.

Edwin, I really didn't know what I was saying! :D

Saying "Mitsubishi katana konichiwa!!"

I can still remember your laughter, so hard and loud.

I would rather die just to hear that again. My god, I wish I had more memories of you like that. I remember blushing so hard when you praise how funny I was.

I will never forget that moment. It is my best memory of you my dear Edwin.

I feel so proud I made you laugh. So proud.

I also remember how much you ate in front of me during camp meetings. One big packet de. How you tried to chat me and the others up even tho we don't really know each other at that time. I love your card tricks when you shuffled them and performed them smoothly. But damn it, you never teach me!!

How we just hang out and said lame jokes.

Oh wow..

See you later Edwin. I promise you that. Don't you dare cry , wherever you are. I am going to carry your spirit on, one way or another.

I feel like a part of me is gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

No, I say it now.

Goodbye, my dear. I'll always remember you, my goofy friend. I'm so happy that I got to know such a special person, and that even though for a short while, I'm honoured to have you in my memories. You are one guy that I totally respect and admire. May you be happy wherever you are, and free of all kinds of pain. I love you. Rest in peace, dear.

I remember his smile the most. That was the first thing I saw about him, and the last thing I remember.

Oh god, it just hurts. Why do all the good people gone too soon?

I want someone to play with me!! Badly man..

Anything, blow bubbles, play hopscotch, just play with me what I want to play, just for now..

Cause I think I'm going insane. Play and go crazy with me people!!! I'm losing it seriously, my sanity is slipping.

I really admire bloggers who are very cheery and happy! It's so delightful to just read, like I could be part of that joy. It really makes my day.

I've lost and forgotten my purpose to blog. I can twit.. even though I don't want to twit on tweeter. Frankly, I do find Tweeter a bit, silly.

And I don't know. I feel like I'm in, but I know somehow I'm still not. I'm not part of 'it'. It's so strong, the feeling. I'm just the odd one out. Maybe I'm overemotional or something, but I derive from the clues. I am just not in it. To think, finally I fit. I guess, maybe not.

I'm pretty okay being alone. It does bother me time to time, but I guess I'm getting better at this.

Okay, I think I better stop. I don't want to bare my feelings out too much. I'm motivated by strong emotions, but currently, all these emotions are coming from matters that shouldnt matter, that shouldn't happen and that shouldn't be known to everyone.

As sick as this may sound, all this problems are somehow mine. Mine, and nobody else. And I like that feeling. XD I guess, being by myself does weird things to my mind.

I will blog, hopefully soon when my emotions are coming from happy stuff that I'm willing to share.


:)

I got a feeling that some people thinks I'm a toy to be used when I'm needed. To cover up and etc.

Do I give out this aura? That I'm some kind of disposable toy that's available whenever you need me?

Please. I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want to make anyone cry. But if you push me too far, I will break everything inside you and maybe even out.

And by then, I won't feel sorry.

I've realised why I have so many mind blanks, anger.. and boredom, and feelings as a loser..

I've lived in fear. So much fear, so used to it, I can't even tell it's there, until I dig deep enough.

I'm afraid of everything. Of losing security.. The more I seek security, the more I lose it. So perverse..

I have to build my courage .. And embrace fear as my guidance.

The more I'm honest with myself, especially with parts of me that I hate to see, the more that small part of me inside start to smile and love me.


I guess self-love starts with the truth. Even if you haven't do anything to change your situation, the truth has powers that can open hearts.

1. If I were given the choice of power over truth ( and get shunned because of it), I will always choose truth, cause I don't want to imprison my spirit. And even if I initially choose power to save whomever I love, I won't deny the truth.
   

WARNING: Extremely long post. Do have a cup of tea nearby. :) Or visit other links if you are tired~

All I wanted to do was save lives in the only way I do best, singing. I have come to terms that I know I made the wrong choice. I did not want to be in Digital Media. I wanted to be in an acting course, a singing course, piano, anything music that I like as long as it's not here.

I don't like it here. And I don't plan to delude myself either. Sometimes, when you are forced to face the fact that you did something wrong, you choose to force yourself to believe that you love it. I know I don't. I know I am meant to be someone better, someone who can choose her life not based on what other's say, and not what she fears.

I regret crying over this course. I thought it would be fun, to escape from all the theory work. I've realised my heart ain't here. My heart is not in CG. I do love the filming part, but I don't ever wish to be backstage. I wish to be in the limelight, where I belong.

I love getting attention, challenging myself to face different parts of me acting and singing. I'd rather fail in singing and acting, then imagine the 'what-if's. Today, acting for Puay Ling's project woke me up on how much I love acting and singing. And where my heart really belong.

I shall declare now. I am going to learn how to act, how to sing. Make it big, and using my knowledge in 3D, I can be the next Gorillaz. I need to make time for my passion, and never be bogged down by assignments that isn't for my heart. You can say I can just dream on, or there's no place for someone as low key as me, but I tell you, you'll see me someday, big. As big as lady gaga or even Michael Jackson.

All these while I've hold on to the belief that I'm not good enough. And that's what life reflected to me, that I ain't good enough. If I just change how I feel about myself, life would reflect how I feel, in my outer world. I know that people have influenced me greatly, made me believed that I'm a failure. I've even believed that everything bad was not my fault.

Yes, we all have played the blaming game. I don't want to play that anymore. I want to be the designer of my fate.

Sometimes, I do wonder, why I wanted to be in a relationship so much. I know now, that all I ever wanted was to feel better about myself. To know that being just me is good enough, is the best cause no one can ever copy me. No one can ever be Siti Aisyah, and that's my truth. I just looked for that validation in the wrong way. I chose to look for it outside of myself, and worse still, in a guy that might not know me well.

When I look back at my past, I do cry. Even though it has no power over me, I do feel bricks of regret on how I wasted my time. On how I put myself down so many times. On how I hurt myself, and hurt everyone around me. I chose to waste my life.

It would be really sad had I chose to continued to end my life, a few years back. Of course, in the outside, I am happy. I am cheery, make jokes, being the childish me. But who would know that someone like me had attempted to end everything.

I don't see feeling suicidal as embarassing. It is a cry for help, a cry of someone who is deep in a negative delusion, who is drowning and need someone to just pull her out of the depression swimming pool, and teach her how to swim, and finally get out of the pool. I've chose to accept who I am.

It's okay to be wrong. Okay, to be imperfect. Okay, to be who you are. Social view of perfection is just an inspiration. But accepted imperfection is perfection at best.

I know there are others out there who put on a mask. It might be even you reading this. Let me tell you one thing, please please please.

Just take off the mask. Throw it away because the mask is your enemy. Enemy in disguise.

There's no point hiding. Take off the mask and be proud of your own face, of your own life. Everyone is vulnerable, but the mistake of hiding it can cost you everything.

Listen to me, take off that mask, and take my hand.

Life is waiting for us, and let's go to the garden instead of being stuck in the pool.

On a random note, I love you Ethel. I love you Cheeryl and everyone else who ever came into my life. Cause there's is too many .. :P

I've wasted time. I've come to terms that you will never accept me. That you are not to be counted upon, it's okay.

At least I know now, rather than when I'm in need.

Cause you've never felt the pain I've felt. Good for you, and bad for you.

I hope you don't have to go through my pain to open your eyes.

I am in one of my super rare high mood right now! Just played NeedForSpeed-CARBON that I stole from the lab, and I got high. It's my passion for racing, I really love the speed.

It was recently that when my friend and I took a cab, the cab sped man, but I was enjoying it and going daze with the rush of lights passing me by. Of course, my friend got naturally scared. Nothing happened, just me getting excited that the cab sped most of the time.

If only drift racers are cab drivers, I will take cab everyday.

I am missing my handsome friend again. Hey, I keep dreaming.

Nothing much happened today, cause I just watched Harry Potter yesterday. It was actually great! Those seemingly boring parts actually kept my attention, the characters played are getting better. The quiet times while they talk to each other (Hermione, Harry, Ron) made me feel cosy in the cinema. Of course, if you've never read Harry Potter & Half-blood prince, some parts will be confusing. It's pretty fast paced, but I love the effects. The Ginny and Harry kissing part was actually bearable to watch, considering my love for Harry and Hermione. Malfoy got more screen time, and I LOVE IT.

Helena as Bellatrix is mega awesome. Her evil eyes just captivates me, as though she has been that way all her life. Super bad ass villain. If I were to be bad, I want to be like Bellatrix but with more powers, thank you. Hysterical woman~

Malfoy showed his sentimental, softer side while still maintaning his act-tough look. Super adorable. Is it just me? Or is Daniel Rad getting less cute every time? Harry harry, Malfoy's catching up on the swoon and looks department! Watch your back, i mean your face! If you love seeing cute guys crying, watch it. Malfoy's is marshmellows!

I recommend you to watch it after knowing some major parts of the story. And there were a lot to be cut, but I am pretty satisfied! Funny parts in it is super cute. I love the actress who goes gaga over Ron, made my day with her obsession for him.

BOO to all who said this movie is 2/5. It's 4/5!

I'm still pretty intimidated with my classmates. Yeah, ego trip is going down . And there are others who think they did a lot, but didn't. Well well, what can I say? People and their delusions.

The question that keeps popping up my mind is ..

"How do you make fair-weather friends, care genuinely for you?" Is it really impossible?

What is the quickest way to pick the true friends out of all the facades? Who loves you for you and has no hidden agendas? Is there even such a thing as no agendas?

I mean, everyone loves themselves. Hard to sacrifice that part of you, for someone else.

Life, life, you make me play so many games. Can't I just have the cheat code for just a while? You know I love you~ Is there a way that instead of playing those games, you give me a car, and leave my spirit to drive to it's higher consciousness?

You lost me? Confused, its okay, I talk to myself some times. Its therapeutic.

;P

Fucking weird but super cute video!

I guess we are all stuck. Stuck in our own set of eyes.

Yeah, now I know why there's so much hate and love.

Its a bit hard to see yourself in an objective way.

I feel like vomitting and swallowing at the same time.

I feel like staying awake and just sleep until everythings gone.


I feel like being reckless and just hide in one corner,

I am the example of a walking contradiction, battling a struggle that was born out of 'experience'.

Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Someone whispers into my ear while I was napping. I don't think anyone really whispered anything... But that voice said..


"Think of him as an example, a life' mission. Not as someone who you've lost. You've never lost anyone. They are all parts of you. In your heart, they are your pieces that are unbreakable. Yours forever, and the generations after you."

And I woke up, with my heart surging with energy. Unscratched, unscathed.

I guess now I see death as something that signifies that that part of me has given me lessons, and has serve his/her purpose. And time for me to prove myself.

Of course, when the moon rise up, bittersweet feelings comes up. But I go deeper inside my mind, my heart, and I know, everything and everyone I love is within me.

Within.

I remember this so well.. His ah beng hair, dyed only at the tips. LAWL.


Muacks beloved Ed.

At the start and from 2:10 onwards.

I want to scream, SCREAM SCREAMM!!!

SCREAM, for this fucking world is so fucking unfair! SCREAMMM TILL EVERYONE STOP FUCKING EACH OTHER UP!

SCREAAM TILL THE PAIN AND WAR STOP! SCREEAMM UNTIL ALL THE EVIL FLEE IN FEAR!

SCREEAAM UNTIL YOU ARE BACK!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy so happy that I made you laughed so hard with my random jokes Edwin!

I remember the day we were suppose to act about the random japanese things, for the TC Gets Confused. I remember how I anyohow say stupid things in front of everyone and single handedly made you guffawed and smack the floor a few times because you were cracking up.

Edwin, I really didn't know what I was saying! :D

Saying "Mitsubishi katana konichiwa!!"

I can still remember your laughter, so hard and loud.

I would rather die just to hear that again. My god, I wish I had more memories of you like that. I remember blushing so hard when you praise how funny I was.

I will never forget that moment. It is my best memory of you my dear Edwin.

I feel so proud I made you laugh. So proud.

I also remember how much you ate in front of me during camp meetings. One big packet de. How you tried to chat me and the others up even tho we don't really know each other at that time. I love your card tricks when you shuffled them and performed them smoothly. But damn it, you never teach me!!

How we just hang out and said lame jokes.

Oh wow..

See you later Edwin. I promise you that. Don't you dare cry , wherever you are. I am going to carry your spirit on, one way or another.

I feel like a part of me is gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye.

No, I say it now.

Goodbye, my dear. I'll always remember you, my goofy friend. I'm so happy that I got to know such a special person, and that even though for a short while, I'm honoured to have you in my memories. You are one guy that I totally respect and admire. May you be happy wherever you are, and free of all kinds of pain. I love you. Rest in peace, dear.

I remember his smile the most. That was the first thing I saw about him, and the last thing I remember.

Oh god, it just hurts. Why do all the good people gone too soon?

I want someone to play with me!! Badly man..

Anything, blow bubbles, play hopscotch, just play with me what I want to play, just for now..

Cause I think I'm going insane. Play and go crazy with me people!!! I'm losing it seriously, my sanity is slipping.

I really admire bloggers who are very cheery and happy! It's so delightful to just read, like I could be part of that joy. It really makes my day.

I've lost and forgotten my purpose to blog. I can twit.. even though I don't want to twit on tweeter. Frankly, I do find Tweeter a bit, silly.

And I don't know. I feel like I'm in, but I know somehow I'm still not. I'm not part of 'it'. It's so strong, the feeling. I'm just the odd one out. Maybe I'm overemotional or something, but I derive from the clues. I am just not in it. To think, finally I fit. I guess, maybe not.

I'm pretty okay being alone. It does bother me time to time, but I guess I'm getting better at this.

Okay, I think I better stop. I don't want to bare my feelings out too much. I'm motivated by strong emotions, but currently, all these emotions are coming from matters that shouldnt matter, that shouldn't happen and that shouldn't be known to everyone.

As sick as this may sound, all this problems are somehow mine. Mine, and nobody else. And I like that feeling. XD I guess, being by myself does weird things to my mind.

I will blog, hopefully soon when my emotions are coming from happy stuff that I'm willing to share.


:)