I got a feeling that some people thinks I'm a toy to be used when I'm needed. To cover up and etc.
Do I give out this aura? That I'm some kind of disposable toy that's available whenever you need me?
Please. I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want to make anyone cry. But if you push me too far, I will break everything inside you and maybe even out.
I really love the way you just look at me and smile, without saying anything. I can't stop thinking about it.
I had a great day today! Lesson outdoors with Weasley teaching us about how to use the crane. I love it when it's outdoors cause I can go toilet, eat, anything while still learning. Aiyah, why can't I just hire a few guys 5 dollars each, and help me set up. Haha! I am very cheapskate and lazy, thank you very much.
I asked Rong Rong, how come like other's never come? She said, Oh Jia Yi was sick. I thought, well, that's acceptable. Then, she continued. "Shawn went back to sleep." ROTFLMAO. Jaslyn is really very entertaining! She is very high nowadays and I love it! :D
After that had GEMS, and I became the genius in the class in one day. HAHA! I found a cheat way to get the answers, and everyone was hungry for it. I love the way they kept saying that thank god there is such a genius in class. I thought that cheat way was a common idea! Look's like I am the only one who thought of it.. They had just willingly boosted my ego by tenfold. Wow, look at me, puffy ego Aisyah! Thought of charging for my services, thanks to Dave. But nvm lah, maybe one day~
Something embarassing happened to me today. Man, I really didn't see him there.
After GEMS, went 'shopping' with Phoebe and Xiang Ting. Ohmygod, it's the first time I really love retail therapy! The wonders of looking through tons of rainbow make-ups, perfumes, and clothes, plus plus all the tingling smell of food, and the energy of people all around me. Haha! I must have been spending too much time at home. And wow, I love Banquet! It's like HALAL paradise!! So many food, without having to consider or worry if it's Halal, and so delicious at that! It's affordable too!
-sighs-
I don't know when I can ever have such a day like this again, but I am going to create more days like this. I CAN!
I can sleep well tonight.. And I'm worried about my brother. BRO, I LOVE YOU (x10)!
The more I'm honest with myself, especially with parts of me that I hate to see, the more that small part of me inside start to smile and love me.
I guess self-love starts with the truth. Even if you haven't do anything to change your situation, the truth has powers that can open hearts.
If I were given the choice of power over truth ( and get shunned because of it), I will always choose truth, cause I don't want to imprison my spirit. And even if I initially choose power to save whomever I love, I won't deny the truth.
WARNING: Extremely long post. Do have a cup of tea nearby. :) Or visit other links if you are tired~
All I wanted to do was save lives in the only way I do best, singing. I have come to terms that I know I made the wrong choice. I did not want to be in Digital Media. I wanted to be in an acting course, a singing course, piano, anything music that I like as long as it's not here.
I don't like it here. And I don't plan to delude myself either. Sometimes, when you are forced to face the fact that you did something wrong, you choose to force yourself to believe that you love it. I know I don't. I know I am meant to be someone better, someone who can choose her life not based on what other's say, and not what she fears.
I regret crying over this course. I thought it would be fun, to escape from all the theory work. I've realised my heart ain't here. My heart is not in CG. I do love the filming part, but I don't ever wish to be backstage. I wish to be in the limelight, where I belong.
I love getting attention, challenging myself to face different parts of me acting and singing. I'd rather fail in singing and acting, then imagine the 'what-if's. Today, acting for Puay Ling's project woke me up on how much I love acting and singing. And where my heart really belong.
I shall declare now. I am going to learn how to act, how to sing. Make it big, and using my knowledge in 3D, I can be the next Gorillaz. I need to make time for my passion, and never be bogged down by assignments that isn't for my heart. You can say I can just dream on, or there's no place for someone as low key as me, but I tell you, you'll see me someday, big. As big as lady gaga or even Michael Jackson.
All these while I've hold on to the belief that I'm not good enough. And that's what life reflected to me, that I ain't good enough. If I just change how I feel about myself, life would reflect how I feel, in my outer world. I know that people have influenced me greatly, made me believed that I'm a failure. I've even believed that everything bad was not my fault.
Yes, we all have played the blaming game. I don't want to play that anymore. I want to be the designer of my fate.
Sometimes, I do wonder, why I wanted to be in a relationship so much. I know now, that all I ever wanted was to feel better about myself. To know that being just me is good enough, is the best cause no one can ever copy me. No one can ever be Siti Aisyah, and that's my truth. I just looked for that validation in the wrong way. I chose to look for it outside of myself, and worse still, in a guy that might not know me well.
When I look back at my past, I do cry. Even though it has no power over me, I do feel bricks of regret on how I wasted my time. On how I put myself down so many times. On how I hurt myself, and hurt everyone around me. I chose to waste my life.
It would be really sad had I chose to continued to end my life, a few years back. Of course, in the outside, I am happy. I am cheery, make jokes, being the childish me. But who would know that someone like me had attempted to end everything.
I don't see feeling suicidal as embarassing. It is a cry for help, a cry of someone who is deep in a negative delusion, who is drowning and need someone to just pull her out of the depression swimming pool, and teach her how to swim, and finally get out of the pool. I've chose to accept who I am.
It's okay to be wrong. Okay, to be imperfect. Okay, to be who you are. Social view of perfection is just an inspiration. But accepted imperfection is perfection at best.
I know there are others out there who put on a mask. It might be even you reading this. Let me tell you one thing, please please please.
Just take off the mask. Throw it away because the mask is your enemy. Enemy in disguise.
There's no point hiding. Take off the mask and be proud of your own face, of your own life. Everyone is vulnerable, but the mistake of hiding it can cost you everything.
Listen to me, take off that mask, and take my hand.
Life is waiting for us, and let's go to the garden instead of being stuck in the pool.
On a random note, I love you Ethel. I love you Cheeryl and everyone else who ever came into my life. Cause there's is too many .. :P
I am in one of my super rare high mood right now! Just played NeedForSpeed-CARBON that I stole from the lab, and I got high. It's my passion for racing, I really love the speed.
It was recently that when my friend and I took a cab, the cab sped man, but I was enjoying it and going daze with the rush of lights passing me by. Of course, my friend got naturally scared. Nothing happened, just me getting excited that the cab sped most of the time.
If only drift racers are cab drivers, I will take cab everyday.
I am missing my handsome friend again. Hey, I keep dreaming.
Nothing much happened today, cause I just watched Harry Potter yesterday. It was actually great! Those seemingly boring parts actually kept my attention, the characters played are getting better. The quiet times while they talk to each other (Hermione, Harry, Ron) made me feel cosy in the cinema. Of course, if you've never read Harry Potter & Half-blood prince, some parts will be confusing. It's pretty fast paced, but I love the effects. The Ginny and Harry kissing part was actually bearable to watch, considering my love for Harry and Hermione. Malfoy got more screen time, and I LOVE IT.
Helena as Bellatrix is mega awesome. Her evil eyes just captivates me, as though she has been that way all her life. Super bad ass villain. If I were to be bad, I want to be like Bellatrix but with more powers, thank you. Hysterical woman~
Malfoy showed his sentimental, softer side while still maintaning his act-tough look. Super adorable. Is it just me? Or is Daniel Rad getting less cute every time? Harry harry, Malfoy's catching up on the swoon and looks department! Watch your back, i mean your face! If you love seeing cute guys crying, watch it. Malfoy's is marshmellows!
I recommend you to watch it after knowing some major parts of the story. And there were a lot to be cut, but I am pretty satisfied! Funny parts in it is super cute. I love the actress who goes gaga over Ron, made my day with her obsession for him.
BOO to all who said this movie is 2/5. It's 4/5!
I'm still pretty intimidated with my classmates. Yeah, ego trip is going down . And there are others who think they did a lot, but didn't. Well well, what can I say? People and their delusions.
The question that keeps popping up my mind is ..
"How do you make fair-weather friends, care genuinely for you?" Is it really impossible?
What is the quickest way to pick the true friends out of all the facades? Who loves you for you and has no hidden agendas? Is there even such a thing as no agendas?
I mean, everyone loves themselves. Hard to sacrifice that part of you, for someone else.
Life, life, you make me play so many games. Can't I just have the cheat code for just a while? You know I love you~ Is there a way that instead of playing those games, you give me a car, and leave my spirit to drive to it's higher consciousness?
You lost me? Confused, its okay, I talk to myself some times. Its therapeutic.
Someone whispers into my ear while I was napping. I don't think anyone really whispered anything... But that voice said..
"Think of him as an example, a life' mission. Not as someone who you've lost. You've never lost anyone. They are all parts of you. In your heart, they are your pieces that are unbreakable. Yours forever, and the generations after you."
And I woke up, with my heart surging with energy. Unscratched, unscathed.
I guess now I see death as something that signifies that that part of me has given me lessons, and has serve his/her purpose. And time for me to prove myself.
Of course, when the moon rise up, bittersweet feelings comes up. But I go deeper inside my mind, my heart, and I know, everything and everyone I love is within me.
Who is more cruel? the one who pushes away everyone because of a pain people don't understand, or those who left her alone to struggle and only come to her, to make themselves smile?
I'm so happy so happy that I made you laughed so hard with my random jokes Edwin!
I remember the day we were suppose to act about the random japanese things, for the TC Gets Confused. I remember how I anyohow say stupid things in front of everyone and single handedly made you guffawed and smack the floor a few times because you were cracking up.
Edwin, I really didn't know what I was saying! :D
Saying "Mitsubishi katana konichiwa!!"
I can still remember your laughter, so hard and loud.
I would rather die just to hear that again. My god, I wish I had more memories of you like that. I remember blushing so hard when you praise how funny I was.
I will never forget that moment. It is my best memory of you my dear Edwin.
I feel so proud I made you laugh. So proud.
I also remember how much you ate in front of me during camp meetings. One big packet de. How you tried to chat me and the others up even tho we don't really know each other at that time. I love your card tricks when you shuffled them and performed them smoothly. But damn it, you never teach me!!
How we just hang out and said lame jokes.
Oh wow..
See you later Edwin. I promise you that. Don't you dare cry , wherever you are. I am going to carry your spirit on, one way or another.
I feel like a part of me is gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
No, I say it now.
Goodbye, my dear. I'll always remember you, my goofy friend. I'm so happy that I got to know such a special person, and that even though for a short while, I'm honoured to have you in my memories. You are one guy that I totally respect and admire. May you be happy wherever you are, and free of all kinds of pain. I love you. Rest in peace, dear.
I remember his smile the most. That was the first thing I saw about him, and the last thing I remember.
Oh god, it just hurts. Why do all the good people gone too soon?
There is a line between complaining to vent frustration, and just bloody whining.
Well, everyone! Hi, I'm back! I'm feeling much better these days, thanks to my family, Michael Scofield and sleep. And my huge steady drop of hormones. My hormones are going boogy dancing alot of times. A disco going on in my own body and I'm not even invited.
Of course, friends like Ethel, Jia Yi and more made my day as well! Gan Joo, if you ever read this, you can be fucking annoying. There, I said it. :D But still, you're entertaining!
I am loving my drama people even more. Always can count on them to go crazy. Can totally laugh my ass off while watching them trying to do beat boxing. Meetings.. hahaha!! Meetings are place to goof off and get blown away by their lame jokes. Loving them~
Everyone is chionging assignments today. I was a bit bored going around looking at people trying to do Maya. Afterall, I spent a lot of time just thinking about maya. Maya should be my husband, cause I spent a lot of time with him. I do feel a bit threatened by those who are doing maya paintings. Their work is so nice, it should be called a photography or painting. I should stop putting so much of self-worth into my work. It ain't healthy man..
I feel nervous about my assignment for PVFX. Teaming up with 3 girls, and one dude that I don't really know well. Well, at least the girls I know them, so I don't feel intimidated. I hope I can make this project work and push it to an A. Serious A. Sick of getting B's. Maybe bond as well~
:P
I can't wait for tomorrow cause I can watch Prison Break, it's like my late night show that keeps me going, to do assignments. I need stimulation, and the best is that show.
I think I lost one of the magazines from library. Dang, money again. Never mind, no more losing of items next time.
I think something is not quite right. I exposed even a bit of myself, and I feel sick. As I do now. Like, as though I am naked in front of everyone else.
That is so sick. I don't know why I feel this way. Something must have happened in the past that I don't remember. I don't like explaining my true feelings, I don't like my feelings bared. And if I do explain, I feel much much sick afterwards.
Both ways I feel sick. But baring my feelings usually make me feel more sick.
I really admire bloggers who are very cheery and happy! It's so delightful to just read, like I could be part of that joy. It really makes my day.
I've lost and forgotten my purpose to blog. I can twit.. even though I don't want to twit on tweeter. Frankly, I do find Tweeter a bit, silly.
And I don't know. I feel like I'm in, but I know somehow I'm still not. I'm not part of 'it'. It's so strong, the feeling. I'm just the odd one out. Maybe I'm overemotional or something, but I derive from the clues. I am just not in it. To think, finally I fit. I guess, maybe not.
I'm pretty okay being alone. It does bother me time to time, but I guess I'm getting better at this.
Okay, I think I better stop. I don't want to bare my feelings out too much. I'm motivated by strong emotions, but currently, all these emotions are coming from matters that shouldnt matter, that shouldn't happen and that shouldn't be known to everyone.
As sick as this may sound, all this problems are somehow mine. Mine, and nobody else. And I like that feeling. XD I guess, being by myself does weird things to my mind.
I will blog, hopefully soon when my emotions are coming from happy stuff that I'm willing to share.
I got a feeling that some people thinks I'm a toy to be used when I'm needed. To cover up and etc.
Do I give out this aura? That I'm some kind of disposable toy that's available whenever you need me?
Please. I just don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. I don't want to make anyone cry. But if you push me too far, I will break everything inside you and maybe even out.
I really love the way you just look at me and smile, without saying anything. I can't stop thinking about it.
I had a great day today! Lesson outdoors with Weasley teaching us about how to use the crane. I love it when it's outdoors cause I can go toilet, eat, anything while still learning. Aiyah, why can't I just hire a few guys 5 dollars each, and help me set up. Haha! I am very cheapskate and lazy, thank you very much.
I asked Rong Rong, how come like other's never come? She said, Oh Jia Yi was sick. I thought, well, that's acceptable. Then, she continued. "Shawn went back to sleep." ROTFLMAO. Jaslyn is really very entertaining! She is very high nowadays and I love it! :D
After that had GEMS, and I became the genius in the class in one day. HAHA! I found a cheat way to get the answers, and everyone was hungry for it. I love the way they kept saying that thank god there is such a genius in class. I thought that cheat way was a common idea! Look's like I am the only one who thought of it.. They had just willingly boosted my ego by tenfold. Wow, look at me, puffy ego Aisyah! Thought of charging for my services, thanks to Dave. But nvm lah, maybe one day~
Something embarassing happened to me today. Man, I really didn't see him there.
After GEMS, went 'shopping' with Phoebe and Xiang Ting. Ohmygod, it's the first time I really love retail therapy! The wonders of looking through tons of rainbow make-ups, perfumes, and clothes, plus plus all the tingling smell of food, and the energy of people all around me. Haha! I must have been spending too much time at home. And wow, I love Banquet! It's like HALAL paradise!! So many food, without having to consider or worry if it's Halal, and so delicious at that! It's affordable too!
-sighs-
I don't know when I can ever have such a day like this again, but I am going to create more days like this. I CAN!
I can sleep well tonight.. And I'm worried about my brother. BRO, I LOVE YOU (x10)!
The more I'm honest with myself, especially with parts of me that I hate to see, the more that small part of me inside start to smile and love me.
I guess self-love starts with the truth. Even if you haven't do anything to change your situation, the truth has powers that can open hearts.
If I were given the choice of power over truth ( and get shunned because of it), I will always choose truth, cause I don't want to imprison my spirit. And even if I initially choose power to save whomever I love, I won't deny the truth.
WARNING: Extremely long post. Do have a cup of tea nearby. :) Or visit other links if you are tired~
All I wanted to do was save lives in the only way I do best, singing. I have come to terms that I know I made the wrong choice. I did not want to be in Digital Media. I wanted to be in an acting course, a singing course, piano, anything music that I like as long as it's not here.
I don't like it here. And I don't plan to delude myself either. Sometimes, when you are forced to face the fact that you did something wrong, you choose to force yourself to believe that you love it. I know I don't. I know I am meant to be someone better, someone who can choose her life not based on what other's say, and not what she fears.
I regret crying over this course. I thought it would be fun, to escape from all the theory work. I've realised my heart ain't here. My heart is not in CG. I do love the filming part, but I don't ever wish to be backstage. I wish to be in the limelight, where I belong.
I love getting attention, challenging myself to face different parts of me acting and singing. I'd rather fail in singing and acting, then imagine the 'what-if's. Today, acting for Puay Ling's project woke me up on how much I love acting and singing. And where my heart really belong.
I shall declare now. I am going to learn how to act, how to sing. Make it big, and using my knowledge in 3D, I can be the next Gorillaz. I need to make time for my passion, and never be bogged down by assignments that isn't for my heart. You can say I can just dream on, or there's no place for someone as low key as me, but I tell you, you'll see me someday, big. As big as lady gaga or even Michael Jackson.
All these while I've hold on to the belief that I'm not good enough. And that's what life reflected to me, that I ain't good enough. If I just change how I feel about myself, life would reflect how I feel, in my outer world. I know that people have influenced me greatly, made me believed that I'm a failure. I've even believed that everything bad was not my fault.
Yes, we all have played the blaming game. I don't want to play that anymore. I want to be the designer of my fate.
Sometimes, I do wonder, why I wanted to be in a relationship so much. I know now, that all I ever wanted was to feel better about myself. To know that being just me is good enough, is the best cause no one can ever copy me. No one can ever be Siti Aisyah, and that's my truth. I just looked for that validation in the wrong way. I chose to look for it outside of myself, and worse still, in a guy that might not know me well.
When I look back at my past, I do cry. Even though it has no power over me, I do feel bricks of regret on how I wasted my time. On how I put myself down so many times. On how I hurt myself, and hurt everyone around me. I chose to waste my life.
It would be really sad had I chose to continued to end my life, a few years back. Of course, in the outside, I am happy. I am cheery, make jokes, being the childish me. But who would know that someone like me had attempted to end everything.
I don't see feeling suicidal as embarassing. It is a cry for help, a cry of someone who is deep in a negative delusion, who is drowning and need someone to just pull her out of the depression swimming pool, and teach her how to swim, and finally get out of the pool. I've chose to accept who I am.
It's okay to be wrong. Okay, to be imperfect. Okay, to be who you are. Social view of perfection is just an inspiration. But accepted imperfection is perfection at best.
I know there are others out there who put on a mask. It might be even you reading this. Let me tell you one thing, please please please.
Just take off the mask. Throw it away because the mask is your enemy. Enemy in disguise.
There's no point hiding. Take off the mask and be proud of your own face, of your own life. Everyone is vulnerable, but the mistake of hiding it can cost you everything.
Listen to me, take off that mask, and take my hand.
Life is waiting for us, and let's go to the garden instead of being stuck in the pool.
On a random note, I love you Ethel. I love you Cheeryl and everyone else who ever came into my life. Cause there's is too many .. :P
I am in one of my super rare high mood right now! Just played NeedForSpeed-CARBON that I stole from the lab, and I got high. It's my passion for racing, I really love the speed.
It was recently that when my friend and I took a cab, the cab sped man, but I was enjoying it and going daze with the rush of lights passing me by. Of course, my friend got naturally scared. Nothing happened, just me getting excited that the cab sped most of the time.
If only drift racers are cab drivers, I will take cab everyday.
I am missing my handsome friend again. Hey, I keep dreaming.
Nothing much happened today, cause I just watched Harry Potter yesterday. It was actually great! Those seemingly boring parts actually kept my attention, the characters played are getting better. The quiet times while they talk to each other (Hermione, Harry, Ron) made me feel cosy in the cinema. Of course, if you've never read Harry Potter & Half-blood prince, some parts will be confusing. It's pretty fast paced, but I love the effects. The Ginny and Harry kissing part was actually bearable to watch, considering my love for Harry and Hermione. Malfoy got more screen time, and I LOVE IT.
Helena as Bellatrix is mega awesome. Her evil eyes just captivates me, as though she has been that way all her life. Super bad ass villain. If I were to be bad, I want to be like Bellatrix but with more powers, thank you. Hysterical woman~
Malfoy showed his sentimental, softer side while still maintaning his act-tough look. Super adorable. Is it just me? Or is Daniel Rad getting less cute every time? Harry harry, Malfoy's catching up on the swoon and looks department! Watch your back, i mean your face! If you love seeing cute guys crying, watch it. Malfoy's is marshmellows!
I recommend you to watch it after knowing some major parts of the story. And there were a lot to be cut, but I am pretty satisfied! Funny parts in it is super cute. I love the actress who goes gaga over Ron, made my day with her obsession for him.
BOO to all who said this movie is 2/5. It's 4/5!
I'm still pretty intimidated with my classmates. Yeah, ego trip is going down . And there are others who think they did a lot, but didn't. Well well, what can I say? People and their delusions.
The question that keeps popping up my mind is ..
"How do you make fair-weather friends, care genuinely for you?" Is it really impossible?
What is the quickest way to pick the true friends out of all the facades? Who loves you for you and has no hidden agendas? Is there even such a thing as no agendas?
I mean, everyone loves themselves. Hard to sacrifice that part of you, for someone else.
Life, life, you make me play so many games. Can't I just have the cheat code for just a while? You know I love you~ Is there a way that instead of playing those games, you give me a car, and leave my spirit to drive to it's higher consciousness?
You lost me? Confused, its okay, I talk to myself some times. Its therapeutic.
Someone whispers into my ear while I was napping. I don't think anyone really whispered anything... But that voice said..
"Think of him as an example, a life' mission. Not as someone who you've lost. You've never lost anyone. They are all parts of you. In your heart, they are your pieces that are unbreakable. Yours forever, and the generations after you."
And I woke up, with my heart surging with energy. Unscratched, unscathed.
I guess now I see death as something that signifies that that part of me has given me lessons, and has serve his/her purpose. And time for me to prove myself.
Of course, when the moon rise up, bittersweet feelings comes up. But I go deeper inside my mind, my heart, and I know, everything and everyone I love is within me.
Who is more cruel? the one who pushes away everyone because of a pain people don't understand, or those who left her alone to struggle and only come to her, to make themselves smile?
I'm so happy so happy that I made you laughed so hard with my random jokes Edwin!
I remember the day we were suppose to act about the random japanese things, for the TC Gets Confused. I remember how I anyohow say stupid things in front of everyone and single handedly made you guffawed and smack the floor a few times because you were cracking up.
Edwin, I really didn't know what I was saying! :D
Saying "Mitsubishi katana konichiwa!!"
I can still remember your laughter, so hard and loud.
I would rather die just to hear that again. My god, I wish I had more memories of you like that. I remember blushing so hard when you praise how funny I was.
I will never forget that moment. It is my best memory of you my dear Edwin.
I feel so proud I made you laugh. So proud.
I also remember how much you ate in front of me during camp meetings. One big packet de. How you tried to chat me and the others up even tho we don't really know each other at that time. I love your card tricks when you shuffled them and performed them smoothly. But damn it, you never teach me!!
How we just hang out and said lame jokes.
Oh wow..
See you later Edwin. I promise you that. Don't you dare cry , wherever you are. I am going to carry your spirit on, one way or another.
I feel like a part of me is gone. I didn't even get to say goodbye.
No, I say it now.
Goodbye, my dear. I'll always remember you, my goofy friend. I'm so happy that I got to know such a special person, and that even though for a short while, I'm honoured to have you in my memories. You are one guy that I totally respect and admire. May you be happy wherever you are, and free of all kinds of pain. I love you. Rest in peace, dear.
I remember his smile the most. That was the first thing I saw about him, and the last thing I remember.
Oh god, it just hurts. Why do all the good people gone too soon?
There is a line between complaining to vent frustration, and just bloody whining.
Well, everyone! Hi, I'm back! I'm feeling much better these days, thanks to my family, Michael Scofield and sleep. And my huge steady drop of hormones. My hormones are going boogy dancing alot of times. A disco going on in my own body and I'm not even invited.
Of course, friends like Ethel, Jia Yi and more made my day as well! Gan Joo, if you ever read this, you can be fucking annoying. There, I said it. :D But still, you're entertaining!
I am loving my drama people even more. Always can count on them to go crazy. Can totally laugh my ass off while watching them trying to do beat boxing. Meetings.. hahaha!! Meetings are place to goof off and get blown away by their lame jokes. Loving them~
Everyone is chionging assignments today. I was a bit bored going around looking at people trying to do Maya. Afterall, I spent a lot of time just thinking about maya. Maya should be my husband, cause I spent a lot of time with him. I do feel a bit threatened by those who are doing maya paintings. Their work is so nice, it should be called a photography or painting. I should stop putting so much of self-worth into my work. It ain't healthy man..
I feel nervous about my assignment for PVFX. Teaming up with 3 girls, and one dude that I don't really know well. Well, at least the girls I know them, so I don't feel intimidated. I hope I can make this project work and push it to an A. Serious A. Sick of getting B's. Maybe bond as well~
:P
I can't wait for tomorrow cause I can watch Prison Break, it's like my late night show that keeps me going, to do assignments. I need stimulation, and the best is that show.
I think I lost one of the magazines from library. Dang, money again. Never mind, no more losing of items next time.
I think something is not quite right. I exposed even a bit of myself, and I feel sick. As I do now. Like, as though I am naked in front of everyone else.
That is so sick. I don't know why I feel this way. Something must have happened in the past that I don't remember. I don't like explaining my true feelings, I don't like my feelings bared. And if I do explain, I feel much much sick afterwards.
Both ways I feel sick. But baring my feelings usually make me feel more sick.
I really admire bloggers who are very cheery and happy! It's so delightful to just read, like I could be part of that joy. It really makes my day.
I've lost and forgotten my purpose to blog. I can twit.. even though I don't want to twit on tweeter. Frankly, I do find Tweeter a bit, silly.
And I don't know. I feel like I'm in, but I know somehow I'm still not. I'm not part of 'it'. It's so strong, the feeling. I'm just the odd one out. Maybe I'm overemotional or something, but I derive from the clues. I am just not in it. To think, finally I fit. I guess, maybe not.
I'm pretty okay being alone. It does bother me time to time, but I guess I'm getting better at this.
Okay, I think I better stop. I don't want to bare my feelings out too much. I'm motivated by strong emotions, but currently, all these emotions are coming from matters that shouldnt matter, that shouldn't happen and that shouldn't be known to everyone.
As sick as this may sound, all this problems are somehow mine. Mine, and nobody else. And I like that feeling. XD I guess, being by myself does weird things to my mind.
I will blog, hopefully soon when my emotions are coming from happy stuff that I'm willing to share.
:)
More About Me
Well, I love myself and sometimes I just wish I was like, Paris Hilton. Not PEREZ, that ugly journalist.
Anyway, I am pretty addicted to social life. I crave lazing around, and just hug everybody.
But of course, I don't dare to do that, cause people tend to assume wrong things.
I hate it when people like you and make you feel guilty, like it's your fault that they like you.
Get a grip, and all I wanted was just friendship.
Pretty much all of the things I do, I do sometimes out of fear, or love.
Usually its fear. But if I do the best things, it's love for sure.