WARNING: Extremely long post. Do have a cup of tea nearby. :) Or visit other links if you are tired~

All I wanted to do was save lives in the only way I do best, singing. I have come to terms that I know I made the wrong choice. I did not want to be in Digital Media. I wanted to be in an acting course, a singing course, piano, anything music that I like as long as it's not here.

I don't like it here. And I don't plan to delude myself either. Sometimes, when you are forced to face the fact that you did something wrong, you choose to force yourself to believe that you love it. I know I don't. I know I am meant to be someone better, someone who can choose her life not based on what other's say, and not what she fears.

I regret crying over this course. I thought it would be fun, to escape from all the theory work. I've realised my heart ain't here. My heart is not in CG. I do love the filming part, but I don't ever wish to be backstage. I wish to be in the limelight, where I belong.

I love getting attention, challenging myself to face different parts of me acting and singing. I'd rather fail in singing and acting, then imagine the 'what-if's. Today, acting for Puay Ling's project woke me up on how much I love acting and singing. And where my heart really belong.

I shall declare now. I am going to learn how to act, how to sing. Make it big, and using my knowledge in 3D, I can be the next Gorillaz. I need to make time for my passion, and never be bogged down by assignments that isn't for my heart. You can say I can just dream on, or there's no place for someone as low key as me, but I tell you, you'll see me someday, big. As big as lady gaga or even Michael Jackson.

All these while I've hold on to the belief that I'm not good enough. And that's what life reflected to me, that I ain't good enough. If I just change how I feel about myself, life would reflect how I feel, in my outer world. I know that people have influenced me greatly, made me believed that I'm a failure. I've even believed that everything bad was not my fault.

Yes, we all have played the blaming game. I don't want to play that anymore. I want to be the designer of my fate.

Sometimes, I do wonder, why I wanted to be in a relationship so much. I know now, that all I ever wanted was to feel better about myself. To know that being just me is good enough, is the best cause no one can ever copy me. No one can ever be Siti Aisyah, and that's my truth. I just looked for that validation in the wrong way. I chose to look for it outside of myself, and worse still, in a guy that might not know me well.

When I look back at my past, I do cry. Even though it has no power over me, I do feel bricks of regret on how I wasted my time. On how I put myself down so many times. On how I hurt myself, and hurt everyone around me. I chose to waste my life.

It would be really sad had I chose to continued to end my life, a few years back. Of course, in the outside, I am happy. I am cheery, make jokes, being the childish me. But who would know that someone like me had attempted to end everything.

I don't see feeling suicidal as embarassing. It is a cry for help, a cry of someone who is deep in a negative delusion, who is drowning and need someone to just pull her out of the depression swimming pool, and teach her how to swim, and finally get out of the pool. I've chose to accept who I am.

It's okay to be wrong. Okay, to be imperfect. Okay, to be who you are. Social view of perfection is just an inspiration. But accepted imperfection is perfection at best.

I know there are others out there who put on a mask. It might be even you reading this. Let me tell you one thing, please please please.

Just take off the mask. Throw it away because the mask is your enemy. Enemy in disguise.

There's no point hiding. Take off the mask and be proud of your own face, of your own life. Everyone is vulnerable, but the mistake of hiding it can cost you everything.

Listen to me, take off that mask, and take my hand.

Life is waiting for us, and let's go to the garden instead of being stuck in the pool.

On a random note, I love you Ethel. I love you Cheeryl and everyone else who ever came into my life. Cause there's is too many .. :P

WARNING: Extremely long post. Do have a cup of tea nearby. :) Or visit other links if you are tired~

All I wanted to do was save lives in the only way I do best, singing. I have come to terms that I know I made the wrong choice. I did not want to be in Digital Media. I wanted to be in an acting course, a singing course, piano, anything music that I like as long as it's not here.

I don't like it here. And I don't plan to delude myself either. Sometimes, when you are forced to face the fact that you did something wrong, you choose to force yourself to believe that you love it. I know I don't. I know I am meant to be someone better, someone who can choose her life not based on what other's say, and not what she fears.

I regret crying over this course. I thought it would be fun, to escape from all the theory work. I've realised my heart ain't here. My heart is not in CG. I do love the filming part, but I don't ever wish to be backstage. I wish to be in the limelight, where I belong.

I love getting attention, challenging myself to face different parts of me acting and singing. I'd rather fail in singing and acting, then imagine the 'what-if's. Today, acting for Puay Ling's project woke me up on how much I love acting and singing. And where my heart really belong.

I shall declare now. I am going to learn how to act, how to sing. Make it big, and using my knowledge in 3D, I can be the next Gorillaz. I need to make time for my passion, and never be bogged down by assignments that isn't for my heart. You can say I can just dream on, or there's no place for someone as low key as me, but I tell you, you'll see me someday, big. As big as lady gaga or even Michael Jackson.

All these while I've hold on to the belief that I'm not good enough. And that's what life reflected to me, that I ain't good enough. If I just change how I feel about myself, life would reflect how I feel, in my outer world. I know that people have influenced me greatly, made me believed that I'm a failure. I've even believed that everything bad was not my fault.

Yes, we all have played the blaming game. I don't want to play that anymore. I want to be the designer of my fate.

Sometimes, I do wonder, why I wanted to be in a relationship so much. I know now, that all I ever wanted was to feel better about myself. To know that being just me is good enough, is the best cause no one can ever copy me. No one can ever be Siti Aisyah, and that's my truth. I just looked for that validation in the wrong way. I chose to look for it outside of myself, and worse still, in a guy that might not know me well.

When I look back at my past, I do cry. Even though it has no power over me, I do feel bricks of regret on how I wasted my time. On how I put myself down so many times. On how I hurt myself, and hurt everyone around me. I chose to waste my life.

It would be really sad had I chose to continued to end my life, a few years back. Of course, in the outside, I am happy. I am cheery, make jokes, being the childish me. But who would know that someone like me had attempted to end everything.

I don't see feeling suicidal as embarassing. It is a cry for help, a cry of someone who is deep in a negative delusion, who is drowning and need someone to just pull her out of the depression swimming pool, and teach her how to swim, and finally get out of the pool. I've chose to accept who I am.

It's okay to be wrong. Okay, to be imperfect. Okay, to be who you are. Social view of perfection is just an inspiration. But accepted imperfection is perfection at best.

I know there are others out there who put on a mask. It might be even you reading this. Let me tell you one thing, please please please.

Just take off the mask. Throw it away because the mask is your enemy. Enemy in disguise.

There's no point hiding. Take off the mask and be proud of your own face, of your own life. Everyone is vulnerable, but the mistake of hiding it can cost you everything.

Listen to me, take off that mask, and take my hand.

Life is waiting for us, and let's go to the garden instead of being stuck in the pool.

On a random note, I love you Ethel. I love you Cheeryl and everyone else who ever came into my life. Cause there's is too many .. :P